Interview: Osama Unplugged

Image courtesy- The Times of India 

With the assassination of world’s #1 most wanted terrorist, Osama Bin Laden; America is living in peace. Whining and winning go hand in hand, (let us say “Clinton—Bush” – “Obama.”) The only place which went with an atmosphere of non-celebration was journalist’s headquarters’ building. With a “dream” of interviewing Osama once in life died with Osama for them. They were left so much dishearten that channels had almost started showing the actual news. Then came a "boy" out of nowhere who posted Osama's interview on his blog; unreal, right!?!

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He was sitting by the clouds when a care taker called Osama to attend a call from Earth for a special interview. Obama Osama went flabbergasted. Not expecting a fame call can make you go dumb, so got Osama. “Who are you? Human or Jihadi”, asked Osama. “Sir, I am a blogger who wants to interview you and make some money out of it” was his lame reply.

—Ah! I know this term. This blogging came into existence after 4 years of my epic 9/11. So, you write because you have nothing else better to do; right?

–No-no sir, you are getting this absolutely wrong. I blog because I love to do it, it has turned my interest unlike yours.

—Oh! So you know my interests? How sweet. But boy I must tell you out of every single interest making bombs especially human bombs is my favorite. Apart from this I love to travel and so far I find only “Abbottabad” the loveliest of them all, followed by New York and London. I feel like Abbottabad is my second home, also safest with military guarding 24x7.

–Sir, you are right. Perhaps media was wrong. You really are interesting a person soul. But please pardon me if I may sound indecent or too up close and personal.

—You are just a kid. Why would I “bombard” you? I merely run out of temper, ask my wife(s).

–Yes, she is a "noble soul"; husband-oriented wife, I would say.

—I thought you were here for an interview?

–Oh yes! Let us begin. Sir, are you satisfied with what you have accomplished in life?

—Personally yes, I had 5 wife’s and 19-20 children. But there were certainly so many missions in my “Western Digital 1 terabyte hard disk” (now under the possession of USA) whom were to be accomplished but on the sad note I couldn't achieve my goal, sorry Abba (teary eyes). I had a dream rather call it a vision to unite the world for good; forcing turning everyone’s perception and religion to “jihad.” This isn’t an easy task.

–Yes sir but don’t you think it is unfair to brainwash people by luring them with 72 virgins? I am apocryphal on this claim.

—I was too much sure that I’d finally get what I deserve but fuck my mentor who gave me this bait. This is a pure lie. There is nothing like this here. I am searching for that “son-of-two-man” who deliberately pushed me here.

–Sir, you must keep it cool. I can understand how you feeling after the wrong info are provided to you. But I must thank God that he saved you from getting a MTNL connection. It’s a pain in “….”! I mean “head”. Let’s just skip and slip to our next section; your childhood. How was it? Please enlighten us, I am pretty sure how have never aspired to be a “jihadi” at first place.

—Oh childhood, those blissful days; black and white movies followed by Amitabh, Vinod Khanna, Rishi Kapoor’s movies, non-handy bomb technology, ill-equipped arms, no Facebook – Twitter, thank God “No Orkut” and no Mayawati. At that time we were on our own. Life was hard but not so fast, I had real contacts with my friends. Ah! Sorry, I break down when it comes to childhood. You are very right blogger; I never wanted to end up as a “jihadi”. I had always dreamed to be a “Nuclear Engineer from IIT-Delhi.”

–Whoa! You must have been a hardcore nerd?

—Yes, you can say this blogger but next time try to be polite.

–I think I must say a goodbye to you now. I don’t have enough balance, call rates here are quite expensive.

—Okay blogger but do tell every reporter to come on skype from next time.

–Sure Osama sir. Thank you for your precious time. Hope you have a great time and wonderful afterlife ahead.
Osama again occupies his regular seat adjacent to the boiler and slips into his solitude. 
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|This interview was first published on News That Matters Not